Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in judojonny's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
12:16 am	I like this song... I will wait like nothing I have ever waited for I will catch your tears from falling Until from my hands they fall You can leave me abandoned I'll be here if you want back in Like the rest I have been branded Far beneath the skin So far beneath the skin You shall be You shall be You shall be forgiven You shall be You shall be You shall be forgiven Here I have been standing While the time has come and gone I tried singing to you But you turned my words to stone Here I have been waiting It seems for quite a while Changed all my reflections But inside I'm still just a child But inside still just a child You shall be You shall be You shall be forgiven You shall be You shall be You shall be forgiven These eyes weren't made for crying This love wasn't made to waste These arms weren't made for battle But to share your warm embrace But to share your warm embrace You shall be You shall be You shall be forgiven You shall be You shall be You shall be forgiven You shall be You shall be You shall be forgiven You shall be You shall be You... forgiven -Ben Harper (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 31st, 2006
12:44 am	Ha! <td align="center"> Jonathan -- [noun]: A person who is constantly high 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td><td align="center"> Jonathan -- [adjective]: Sexually stunning 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td></center> (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 27th, 2006
8:31 pm	Long awaited post. I'm engaged. Let me say that again...I'M ENGAGED!!! Debbie truly is the love of my life. I've not posted before now because honestly I keep forgetting I have a journal. Other than engaged, I am mostly broke, working hard, and trying to make the most of my weekends. And a random quiz... A venerated sage with vast power and knowledge, you gently guide forces around you while serving as a champion of the light. "Judge me by my size, do you? And well you should not - for my ally is the Force. And a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us, and binds us. Luminescent beings are we, not this crude matter! You must feel the Force around you, everywhere." I can't wait to see my fiance again...: ) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 1st, 2005
11:54 pm	Raise The Roof Raise the roof, that I might see the stars To gain wisdom, to see things for what they are Please, I need proof Dance till you fall Love till you die Shut your mouth Raise the roof Trapped in this snare with too much dreaming to bear Fearful and frantic, hopeless and a romantic Inspired but tired, I run this wide-open course Like the sagging spirit of an older horse Dance till you fall Love till you die Shut your mouth Raise the roof Peel back this backdrop, like the lids from my eyes Put you in plain view, let me visualize Touch me again in my dreams till I feel Touch me again till I wake and it’s real Dance till you fall Love till you die Shut your mouth Raise the roof The wisest advice to me that I didn’t teach Was to lock up the heart, but keep the key within reach Touch me again in my dreams till I feel Touch me again till I wake and it’s real Dance till you fall Love till you die Shut your mouth Raise the roof -Carbon Leaf Current Mood: lonely and impatient Current Music: gee i wonder (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 26th, 2005
8:59 pm	we celebrated the feast of saint barbara tonight, a bit early but considering how we'll be outprocessing on the actual feast day, close enough. saint barbara is the patron saint of the field artillery...the protector of those in danger of sudden death, specifically from lightning strikes, fire, and explosions. considering the rather unpredictable behavior of early field pieces, it is easy to see why the early artillerymen would seek her protection. her legend provides an account that seems appropriate for the patron of the big guns...after her father executed her for refusing to renounce her faith, he was caught in a sudden storm. he was struck and consumed by lightning and fire, leaving only his scorched sword to testify to the wrath of his daughter's god. we made artillery punch, sort of. the prohibition on alcohol sort of precludes making the real stuff. here is a detail of the punch ceremony i was able to find... "There is a great deal of ceremony involved in mixing the punch, for each ingredient is significant to the artilleryman. Part of that ceremony requires that all good artillerymen wear red socks and red suspenders on St. Barbara's Night, of course, which is when the Artilleryman's Punch is normally blended. An honorary Stirrer is appointed, whose role will be to constantly stir the mixture with his artillery saber as each ingredient is added. Into a large cast iron kettle, the first artilleryman pours a container of the previous years' punch to remind all assembled of their great artillery Tradition. The second artilleryman pours in bright red fruit punch, The Official Color of Artillery in every army. The third pours in dark rum to warn of the Coming Of The Storm. The fourth pours in deep red wine to keep us mindful of the Bloodshed Of Our Brothers. The fifth pours in golden-colored rum, our Hope Of Victory. The sixth pours in peach brandy, courtesy of Confiscated Officers' Stores. The seventh adds spring water, connoting The Importance Of Fresh Water. The eighth pours in bourbon, The Southern Gentleman's Drink. The ninth pours in lime/lemon juice to Ward Off Scurvy. The tenth drops in some rose petals, evidence of our deep and abiding Love For Our Women. The eleventh contributes molasses, the needed Axle Grease that keeps the wheels turning. The twelfth pours in Squeezings From The Sponge - a mixture of lemon juice and brown sugar. The thirteenth adds dark apple cider to the blend, The Cleansing Water From The Sponge Bucket. The fourteenth casts in a small handful of coffee and parched corn, Food For The Common Soldier. The fifteenth adds in Mud From The Battlefields, a mixture of water and brown sugar. The sixteenth puts in black cake decoration, symbolizing Gunpowder. To the mixture, the seventeenth adds chocolate-covered cherries, our Canister Shot. The eighteenth puts in a horseshoe to Honor The Horses. After all of those ingredients have been added and stirred, the youngest adult member of the group is asked to come forward and taste the concoction to determine if it is suitable for artillerymen to drink. Upon tasting, he grimaces, steps back from the cast iron kettle, and says "This won't do. Something is missing." After a few moments' pause so that the group can consider what might be missing from the punch, the oldest member of the group volunteers "I know what's missing." He strides to the cast iron kettle with a wool sock in hand, one heavily dusted with powdered sugar - The Dust Of The March. Lightly slapping the sock a time or two above the cast iron kettle to scatter some of the sugar and to show everyone the dust of the march, he then throws the sock into the cast iron kettle. Now that the missing ingredient has been supplied, the Stirrer stirs the punch once more, and the Commander is asked to step up to the cast iron kettle and taste the mixture to determine its fitness as a drink for men of the artillery. Filling his cup halfway and drinking it down in one gulp, he then exhibits an air of sublime pleasure, and orders all of the men to come partake of the Artilleryman's Punch." there are variations from unit to unit, but the format is the same... the whole thing is a ceremony...certain traditions handed down over centuries. it all leads up to the inductions into the Honorable Order of Saint Barbara, a recognition of years of service to the field artillery, the inductee a model for others to follow. basically, it's one of the highest honors for an artilleryman to receive. i feel much better than i did. much better indeed. i'll be home soon. let my enemies beware and my friends be warier, as i'll be celebrating my safe return wholeheartedly...hopefully i won't accidentally rip off part of someone's face again, or get myself stabbed in the eye again, or anything like that... i leave for kuwait seven hours from now. i'll be there for less than a week, then i move on to fort dix. there for less than a week. then to farmville...released for a day, come back to farmville for a couple of days to finish some last odds and ends, and then i put away the uniform until march, when i go in to turn my equipment back over to the unit. then i will be a full time civilian again... i'll be home again in less than two weeks... i'll be with Debbie soon. i'll hold her again, tightly. i'll look into her eyes, i'll kiss her, and tell her how much i love her, how i've been insane from missing her, how i never want to let her go. and i will smile. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, November 25th, 2005
10:31 pm	deep breath i am angry. i am sad. i am ashamed for feeling like this. i feel manipulated. i feel disregarded. i feel i haven't been treated fairly. i feel disrespected. i know i shouldn't. but i feel it anyway, and it won't go away. i feel like there's a lot i don't know that i should. i have been making connections...filling in blanks. drawing conclusions...and i know they're false. and i feel terrible about it all. it's like i have two completely different, even contradictory, sets of feelings. i know i have nothing to be concerned about, but the thoughts won't go away. i feel horrible. i feel worst simply because i know deep down that i shouldn't feel this way. i am angry and ashamed at myself for having these thoughts at all, but they are there nonetheless. it's not as bad as it used to be, though. it will get better. i just wish i might somehow expedite the process. most of my fears were conquered by sheer force of will, compelling myself to endure them and to face them, then to crush them beneath my heel. i'm not sure the brute force method will work here. i must adapt. it will take time, and require patience and compassion, but i can do it... Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: "cold feelings" by social distortion (1 Comment |Comment on this)
4:09 am	she stayed at a friend's place. an ex-boyfriend. she asked me if i was comfortable with that. i trust her. i can't help feeling like this, though. it comes in waves, which is weird. it hurts. then i'm fine. then it hurts... but she needs me to be better than that. she needs my trust, she needs to feel free to do things. i am better than the last one was. but it isn't easy. i don't think many guys out there would disagree. i admit i said it was all right but inside i was screaming NO. i knew how this would feel. i hate you lara. i hate you megan. i hate you sue. i hate you geri. you did this to me. but i have to put that all away, somehow. have to view this in a new light, a clean slate. i have to view her separately, unblemished by my past. telling myself to ignore the little voice. telling myself over and over. being ashamed for having these feelings. hating myself for letting them into my head. i know better, but i am helpless. i need to scream. scream from deep within my soul until all the pain and anger and frustration is spent. to give my fear a shape and a name so i can destroy it. it's all so wrong, because i know better, in my heart. she loves me. i hate the world that reinforces my lessons every day with examples in the lives around me. what happened to love? when did it become nothing more than a nice word, an outmoded concept, a cliche from our forgotten past? that is how it seems. i feel like i am the only person in my generation who still holds on to that part of myself that knows how to love completely, with devotion, fidelity, and constance. i have not destroyed it like so many others. i never lost it. i didn't buy into MTV and popular culture and wantonly corrupt myself over and over again, each time chipping away at my soul like so many others. yes i made a few mistakes, and have a few habits that might be frowned upon. but the mistakes reinforced to me the value of doing the right thing, so i stopped making them. the habits, well, yeah. a lot of my philosophy was born in the orange light of the fire in my glass, smoke curling around my head as my mind moved in directions i hadn't known it could. it's not something that i can explain. i don't smoke to get fucked up...i have my reasons. and you'll find more religion in a bar at 1:45 on a tuesday morning than you will in a lot of churches on sunday. it seems wrong to say that, but pay attention and you'll understand. or maybe you won't. my way of thinking is apparently a little "weird," if you listen to some people. i feel bad for them. they don't seem to think much at all. hmmm... yeah, this place sucks. I love Debbie. I trust her. but still the feelings come... Current Mood: not sure what you'd call it (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
5:04 pm	i am still angry. i can't even remember what i was going to type now. oh well, i guess it doesn't matter. it's not as though this changes anything. i don't even know what i mean. oh yeah, fuck the army. the award ceremony was a slap in the face to most of us, and i won't get into that any more. i try very hard to be the best and to do the best that i am able. but these scars run deep, and they hurt when i do too much. they're holding me back, i know, but they just won't fade away on their own. so i ignore the pain, ignore the past, and strain against the ugliness, and hope no one can tell the difference. i drown myself in alcohol, smother memories with acrid smoke so that i can enjoy a night of peace, without the dreams and what little faith and hope and love i managed to salvage, i held close to my heart kept it safe beside the cracked and broken stone, where it dwelt in shadows and security. "trust no one but yourself" and so i did just that for a good long time. until she came back to me out of the shadows of my past, and i gave it all to her, to hold and to keep safe. and i hope she will. i try even harder now, and scars hurt more, each pang in my heart a reminder of the price i paid for wanting to be loved before, and to love in return. but i grit my teeth, and i struggle with all the might and will i have not to judge her according to the actions of others, to see only her and what she shows me. and exhausted i fall to the ground, and my enemy stands over me. whispers in my ear the things that kill me a little more inside. grabbing and tearing at old wounds to make them bleed anew. things i had thought buried. things i thought i had destroyed. but i will not fail, i will not be brought low. i will conquer myself, and i will bury my past forever. well, that certainly came out of nowhere. i leave this place soon. this is a good thing. i love my wonderful girlfriend. Current Mood: disgusted, introspective Current Music: "this is my song!" carbon leaf (Comment on this)
11:55 am	what pisses me off i am feeling rather hostile toward just about everything right now...so let's see. being misled. taken advantage of. taken for granted. people seem to think that they can walk all over me, because i endure a lot, forgive a lot, ignore a lot. i choose to hold faith in a few principles, one of which is that most people will do the right thing if the choice is there. i try to live my beliefs, such as they are, and those who know me well seem to respect that. those who know me best also realize that i have my limits, boundaries it is not wise to cross or even test. once these are passed, there is no going back. none. i once got angry at one of my best friends. we had an argument. things were said. two years passed before we spoke again. he didn't overstep my bounds, but he came close. that is all for now. more later, when i have time. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 21st, 2005
8:42 am	This is a warning. Do not fuck with me. To a certain individual in Pennsylvania...don't let our paths cross. To my girlfriend...I love you. To her friends...thank you. "When I raise my flashing sword, and my hand takes hold on judgment, I will take vengeance upon mine enemies, and I will repay those who haze me." -Il Duce Current Mood: burn motherfucker, burn Current Music: "Fire Water Burn" (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 5th, 2005
3:18 pm	more on this pirate thing My pirate name is: Iron John Flint A pirate's life isn't easy; it takes a tough person. That's okay with you, though, since you a tough person. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr! Get your own pirate name from fidius.org. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
2:52 pm	so i'm apparently a pirate, with equal dashes of warrior poet and vigilante night stalker thrown in...hmmm. i think i find this acceptable. You scored as Captain Jack Sparrow. Roguish,quick-witted, and incredibly lucky, Jack Sparrow is a pirate who sometimes ends up being a hero, against his better judgement. Captain Jack looks out for #1, but he can be counted on (usually) to do the right thing. He has an incredibly persuasive tongue, a mind that borders on genius or insanity, and an incredible talent for getting into trouble and getting out of it. Maybe its brains, maybe its genius, or maybe its just plain luck. Or maybe a mixture of all three. </td> Captain Jack Sparrow 83% Batman, the Dark Knight 75% William Wallace 75% Indiana Jones 71% Maximus 71% Neo, the "One" 67% El Zorro 58% Lara Croft 50% The Amazing Spider-Man 50% The Terminator 46% James Bond, Agent 007 46% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 30th, 2005
6:16 am	i really hate this place. i sit here and deal with all kinds of bullshit, get shot at occasionally, and generally have as shitty a day as possible every day of the fucking week. prison riots, roadside bombs, mortars, the Air Force...just a bunch of shit. on top of that, i haven't seen anyone i care about for more than a few days at a time in over a year. i get to hear about everyon'es good times, but it seems like they're all moving forward in life while i am stuck in neutral. i come home soon though... finally heard from my best friend by mail the other day...first time since july. guess he realized at last that i had no way of getting in touch, since he moved after i came back over here. thought perhaps i had been forgotten... dealt with a riot last night. won't get into it more than that, except to say that pure hatred is rather unsettling, especially when you see it in the eyes of a thousand men, staring and waiting for you to make a mistake. on a happy note, at least one thing is going completely as planned at home. i'm temporarily broke because of it, but it's for a good cause, so i don't mind one bit. that's it. i have nothing more to say, and i suppose i won't again for another few weeks... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
7:37 pm	so i decided to see how i stack up... Rather Experienced You are 58% pure! My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 27% on purity Link: The 100 Point Sexual Purity Test written by ocicat on Ok Cupid (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 3rd, 2005
4:14 am	my lovely girlfriend posted this about me... Leave your name and 1. I'll respond with something random about you. 2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you. 3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in. 4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me. 5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you. 6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of. 7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you. 1. I love your shoulders. And your hands. And your eyes. An everything else about you, dammit. 2. Movie - Boondock Saints, The Matrix, Star Wars: Episode One, Army of Darkness, The Notebook; Song: "Here With Me" by Dido, "Annie's Song" by John Denver, "Save Tonight" by Eagle Eye Cherry... I could go on, really. You know this. Three cds worth? Yeah. 3. All of them; BRING IT!! 4. That field behind your old house... 5. I was 13 and you were 14. You had just come into Rachel's house for her birthday party, and you were wearing a black leather jacket. We flirted that night. I've been hooked ever since. 6. Lion. It's beautiful, large, and strong and you don't want to fuck with it. 7. So, what's this conspiracy? No really. Did you ever think of me between your first time meeting me and the tae-kwon-do competition? so there you have it. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 30th, 2005
12:26 am	it's been a while... i have returned, if only to tell anyone who reads this that my girlfriend is absolutely the most wonderful and beautiful woman anyone anywhere anywhen will ever meet. i love you Debbie. i don't know what to say...i would like to post something about what is going on in my life but being where i am (iraq) makes that difficult, since most of what goes on here is considered sensitive to operational security. so i am sort of gagged, and rather than risk the wrath of the powers that be, i will shy away from these subjects... i have a headache...i will come back in a few weeks i guess... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
10:14 am	well, couldn't think of what to write for a first post, so here are some of those silly quiz results: Your Hidden Talent You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system. And while this may not seem big, it can be. It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes. You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices. What's Your Hidden Talent? You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong. The World's Shortest Personality Test You Are 70% Weird You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks! How Weird Are You? Your Birthdate: August 24 Born on the 24th, you have a greater capacity for responsibility and helping others than your may have realized. You may also become the mediator and peacemaker in inharmonious situations. Devoted to family, you tend to manage and protect. This birth date adds to the emotional nature and perhaps to the sensitivities. Affections are important to you; both the giving and the receiving. What Does Your Birth Date Mean? (Comment on this)